Disorganized Thoughts While Sipping Honey Tea
"I realized [that] I'm thankful to be tired in a job that I like," writes C., my friend and co-worker at a corporate job I got hired in back in October.
I'm not sure I like this job enough to say it's worth the exhaustion - and it is, more psychologically than physically - but it pays more than all my previous occupations combined and it's been helpful sustaining not only my admittedly wasteful lifestyle but also my community at large. I love my funny co-workers and the job itself demands so little beyond my capabilities. Plus I get to spend a bit more on my hobbies, which brings me joy (but not entirely without the guilt that comes with collecting cardboard and plastic miniatures). So like C., I'm grateful.
Ultimately, though - given the chance to have more freedom to do the things we actually love without the expense of starving - I'd like to believe we would resign from making emails for white people in a heartbeat.
Which is to say I should have been in EDSA yesterday and not sick in bed from fatigue my day job by no small portion has contributed to.
When I woke up Monday I was beset by a terrible sore throat and fever. I knew I couldn't afford to fall ill - I had so many deliverables this week and the thought of accumulating backlogs worried me more than my own health - so in an effort to accelerate healing I've been making flu bombs (an unholy concoction of ginger, garlic, honey, calamansi, and pepper, which G. recommended) and ingesting spoonfuls of raw honey. And you know what? That shit works. Hopefully I recover completely by the weekend because I don't want to spend money on a doctor's visit and antibiotics (I will if I have to).
Anyway.
A few hours before our first D&D session of the year I was visited by the spirit of reckless impulse: I binned my existing plans and decided that a time skip was in order, and the adventure should resume a full year later in-game. Almost that much time has passed as well since we all got together to play and thank goodness this last-minute change was well received: everyone appreciated the flavor it added, and it helped them settle back into their roles. I also wanted to re-establish the party as reluctant heroes who were whisked away in an ancient war and now, being back to the present, have to contend with the droll of everyday living, which my previous plans didn't account for.
First they encountered and defeated a lesser dragon to save a town, which the Level 9-ers made quick work of. After they've gained enough confidence, I introduced them to the switch-up: a hidden dungeon and the slow realization that it was going to be a mystery/puzzle episode. Hah! I'm a one-trick pony - all the stories I come up with are mysteries. (I think s. was a little unhappy about that since they really, really wanted to Guiding Bolt their way through the adventure, haha.) I can't spare much of the details here yet (it's likely I never will) since they haven't arrived at a resolution but I peppered the adventure with a lot of split second decisions, an act as small as leaving a storage room without checking if it may close indefinitely may have lasting consequences to the entire run (i.e. they locked themselves out of a roomful of crafting materials).
Near the end, I enjoyed listening to them argue about the final question that was posed that evening: fight or flee. Well, that's the simplified version of what's essentially a trolley problem. I knew given their clashing personalities both on the character sheet and in real life, they weren't going to arrive at a unified answer so easily… With a little nudging, it took them half an hour to decide on their next steps.
That also meant they had to make their own props for the next session.
"Leir, why are you giving us homework?!" Uh, you thought of that on your own. That wasn't in my script.
Another thing that I didn't expect to be in the script, I suppose, is my being surrounded with actively polyamorous people all of a sudden.
To be honest I don't really relate to any kind of polyamory other than the one I've built for myself and live by, which, after 15 years of practice I feel I have now the authority to say, works. I didn't have any role models back then so I had to define it from the ground up. I think we did a fantastic job, K.M. and I, as Marxists, personalizing and radicalizing the concept for us and the people we choose to love. Even after that, what it means to be poly for me is still constantly reshaped and revised, informed by changes in material conditions and our own politics, as it should be.
When I'm asked for advice it always boils down to breaking in and wearing the shoe that fits. Polyamory is not for everyone to practice (though I believe that everyone is poly by nature, nobody is born monogamous - the state and the church mold you into one) and it's subject to and are influenced by all sorts of social configurations. It's not something you should engage in without giving it extra, extra, extra thought. You can and will end up hurting your loved ones if you're not careful enough. And you will receive hurt, a lot. If you're unable or unwilling to care enough, or act in the interest of your lover's happiness, then you have no business dragging other people into your orbit.
Romantic relationships become messy because people and emotions are. Of course when you add more individuals into the mix then you shouldn't expect the blend to be smooth right away. I do find it annoying when people are less self-aware of their capability to care which leads to a lot of neglect and/or misunderstanding, and when they become too punitive rather than restorative - we can be so petty sometimes - but I'm willing to give my friends a lot of patience and empathy, especially since they are only beginning to navigate these complicated feelings. (As long as they're not being toxic or abusive.)
Often I refuse to make any of these my business until my friends make it mine but even if I'm unaware of their more intimate connections I choose to have faith they can make it better for themselves or at least have the foresight to quit something that isn't healthy. There's nothing experience can't teach you.
Today's Stat Block
STR: 0
DEX: 0
CON: -1 Still under the weather due to sore throat, also my cat Ellery scratched my thigh while writing this
INT: -1 Too much time wasted on Magic the Gathering, also being forced to attend online seminars about genAI
WIS: +1 Learned about herbal solutions to throat problems
CHA: +1 Seeing results from paying more attention to skincare