Forgive Me, I've Turned One Year Older
Look Ma, I've made it / to the future you had no hand in making [...] / Now I wear a version of adulthood sewn from leavings / offcuts from last decade's wardrobe, to pass / through crowds unnoticed, to hide from / mirrors the parts of me that resemble you.
That's an excerpt from a poem I'm working on. There's a line I keep tossing around in my head, of the persona addressing their mother: If you had passed down your best dresses / or gave me leftover fabric from when you were my age / would I have fared better? I probably will end up not using it. (It's not a good question.)
But it made me think about the cuts I've made from my own writing this year alone. So much of it unusable, scraps that went straight to the bin, but every now and again something a little more honest finds its way back to the drawer. Kept, cared for, in the hopes that it can be repurposed along with its fellow marooned into a scarf or a quilt.
I've turned a year older the other day. I don't know how that should make me feel. Grateful that I lasted this long? Disappointed for giving up on being an educator or a full-time artist? Annoyed at being called old, then annoyed at certain other truths, annoyed that I can't act on certain compulsions? When you've lived such a relatively good and responsible life throughout your 20s, the urge to ruin yourself and others' perception of you becomes irresistible each year past the 30th.
The last time I wrote a blog entry about growing older was when I turned 28. I had to wrestle through a series of emotional upheavals back then, brought about by a global pandemic, struggles with identity, peerlessness, displacement, you name the curse and I guarantee I've suffered through the mundane equivalent. I've been through the ultimate wringer of young adulthood!
The note on my birthday cake this year says: May you never run out of love.
I wonder if that comes true and I never run out, where will all the excess go? One thing that's more terrifying than solitude is to be surrounded by people who love you but are unable or unwilling to receive any of the love you can give.
My birthday wish:
For once I want to be selfish. To not care whether the people I adore also like me enough, for me to be able to ask: Can I be indifferent to grammar when I'm with you? Can I embrace clichés? Can I hold your hand while we're walking aimlessly around the city or through a labyrinthine mall, or while we're standing in front of a painting in awe or in protest against fascist-imperialist forces? Can I kiss you after you share a remedy to an illness because you were hospitalized once, or when you say something you obviously didn't think through that you come across as a jester or a jerk, or when sunlight hits your cheek during golden hour and you look as if you've lost a loved one at sea? And of course you can say no--what matters is the honest question gets divorced from thought, made tangible, made known. A ball or a paper plane tossed in the air won't cease to be, whether you catch it or let it land on the grass.
When the hunger becomes unbearable, and it always will, I defer to my astral chart. I remind myself of boundaries and rules and imaginary lines across the sand. I say instead the other certain truth, that I am very fortunate to even be at arm's length, that I'm grateful for their time.
(Besides, those aren't good questions too.)
How I became this susceptible to tenderness, I can't know for sure. I used to be so cool, as C. would say, but I'd like to think I'm not the only one afflicted.
Some days I'm surprised how much I'm surviving through the kindness of others, even if they don't mean it. I'm most sensitive around this time of year but a simple greeting is enough to coax me out of dread.
So I'd like to compile here some of the messages I received, which is not at all comprehensive but encompasses the spectrum:
from A. 11:48 pm
[...]happy birthday
i love you very much
i will make time this september to go to elbi and hang !
from J.J. 12:00 am
Hey hey hey hey Happy Birthday ✨✨✨✨✨✨✨
[greeted first because] I remember you said you pay attention to that
from K.V. 12:07 am
[hey when is ur actual bday]
HAPPY BIRTHDAY LEIR!!!
how old are u now
from g.b. 2:41 am
happy birthday beloved <3 i miss you
tawag tayo soon
from k. 3:12 am
[photo]
in response, have crochet cake i made a long time ago
happy birthday leir ! ily !!
from C. 4:43 am
when i think about third spaces i think of u for some reason. i think it’s because you’re exactly the type of friend that always asks to hang out, and idk if ever told you this but i needed that. [...]
so thank you, for being you. you once called that tendency to always be around friends and hangout as a manifestation of ur emotional neediness (forgot if thats the exact wording). i hope on ur birthday and beyond, you know that it isnt just u that needs the energy of ur friends — your friends (myself included) need yours too. :3 and idk i think thats p cool
happy birthday bestie. here’s to being brave enough to be earnest or whatever u said that one time :)))
from G. 6:43 am
im so excited to see you this weekend and to keep celebrating all your birthdays. mahal kita!! enjoy and happy birthday
from K.C. 6:49 am
Happy birthday Leir! Sana maganda gising mo at masarap ulam mo today!!! Thank you for being a good friend to me and to everyone around you!!!! Thank you for being born! I love you!
from P. 9:46 am
happy birthday sa bestie koh?!
I love you so much
from B.E. 10:10 am
Happy birthday, Leir! I was going to write Happy Birthday, Lover! But realized it sounded weird
from h. 1:57 pm
[...] sinusumpa kong marami ka pa birthday para marami pa akong brainrot marinig at mga piyesang mabasa from you HAHAH see u soon hopefully [...]
from G. 3:05 pm
I'm so grateful to be known by you [...]
thank you for being the thought behind my loving decisions and decisions that are true to myself
from M.M. 5:18 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BESTIEEE 💘🥳 (so kat isn’t pulling my leg 😩)
from K.M. 6:14 pm
Loving you in our teens means writing papers together [...]
I do not miss college at all (lol); it's just so cool I got to spend that time with you.
I love you, Leir.
from V.I. 7:19 pm
[...] I hope you had a great day surrounded by warmth and love 🙏❤️
from e. 8:12 pm
[...] happiest bday, leir :> sana mas masaya ka ngayong bday mo than the last and sana mas masaya pa sa mga susunod.
i hope i can keep doing community with you :'> hehe labyu 🫶🏻 may flan ka ule saken the next time magluto ako hehehe
from a.x. 10:37 pm
[...] Miss u and wishing again that we were nearer so we could hang out more (also in bad need of karamay sa pagiging hater recently eme)
Looking forward to seeing u this december or earlier
Not a greeting, but I should also mention s. made dishes based on the Sanji recipe book I gifted them for their birthday. They were great (it took them 4 hours to prepare them all).
I wish I can translate even a fraction of this love to all the poems I write.
On the same day, I learned I share my birthday with Mary Oliver.
I also learned it's the same day Charlie Kirk got shot.
Sometimes the jokes write themselves.
Side-quests Accomplished
🗡️ Finished watching When Life Gives You Tangerines--worth a good cry.
🗡️ Submitted a poem for consideration to an online press.
Today's Stat Block
STR: 0
DEX: 0
CON: +1 Well-fed, well-rested
INT: 0
WIS: -1 I've procrastinated so much at work I'm afraid I'm going to come back from this vacation to a stressful week
CHA: +1 I feel so very loved by my community